Okay, more like advice from the pets. You’re probably wondering what it takes to be a good pet servant. Since cats and dogs in particular are totally different in what they demand, their advice is broken down by species. The next edition of this will go over what a cat requires. 🙂
Advice from dogs:
- When you’ve left them alone for most of the day, be prepared to pay for your very serious offense with smoochies. We must be allowed to sniff you over from head to toe to make sure you haven’t been petting any other dogs while you were away. If you dared to do so, be ready for even more thorough licking.
- When you bring something into the house, we must be allowed to sniff it over as well to make sure it’s acceptable for your use.
- If you are going to leave them most of the day, you should be ready to bring us back something special to make up for our suffering. Bones, toys, whatever. As long as it’s chewable.
- Walks are required by law. Seriously. Don’t bother trying to look it up in a book or on that thing you call a computer; trust us. We’re not called “man’s best friend” for nothing. Car rides are acceptable substitutes, but really walks are the better option. It gives us the chance to sniff and investigate what other animals might be sneaking around the neighborhood. That can’t be tolerated!
- Any shoes or socks left lying on the floor are immediately assumed to be the property of your dog. We are then free to do whatever they may wish with them. This may include chewing, licking, tugging or some combination thereof. What? You thought the dryer gremlins were the reason you had all those mis-matched socks?
- Trees are a resource to protect above all costs. Where else will be do our business?
- If you leave a garbage can sitting anywhere but in a locked room or cabinet, the dog cannot be held responsible for any messes that may result from your negligence. Please remember that when you’re tempted to yell.
- We don’t like to admit it, but we actually like when you give us a bath. Why else would we run around and roll all over your stuff? We’re just so excited about how good we feel! Just make sure the water isn’t cold okay? We may be forced to shake it all over you in retaliation.
- Pretending the throw the ball is a really mean and childish prank. Stop it.
- Those little sweaters and accessories they sell in the stores are demeaning and embarrassing. Please do not buy those; we are prepared to start biting people if they attempt to put any more of those things on us. Who invented those, anyway?
- You keep pulling out this loud thing you call a “vacuum cleaner” and go through the entire house with it. What did we do wrong and what can we do to make it stop? It makes us very uncomfortable. You really don’t need it, anyway. We’ll be happy to clean up any crumbs that fall on the floor for you. We can do the same for everything you waste by putting it down what you call a “garbage disposal”.
- In our official capacity as house alarm clock, we must sure you’re up at an appropriate hour so we can get the food, playtime and attention we require. Please don’t make us get mean about it. Sit up right away and we’ll get along just fine.
- Those doors with the twist handles are really bad and should all be replaced with the ones you push down; especially in vet offices. You’d want us to be able to get out of a room in an emergency wouldn’t you? Better safe than sorry. Plus, just think- we could go out into the yard any time we want to do our business without you lifting a finger. We’re just thinking of you, really!
- Beef treats will make us forgive anything. Keep plenty of them on hand for those times you happen to forget the rules.
- I don’t know who invented those embarrassing cones and some stuff called “Bitter Apple”, but they were clearly evil and sadistic beings who should never be allowed to have an idea again.
- Finally, leave the front door open as often as possible. We need to be able to warn people away from our homes! On a related note, who is the one that keeps giving these people permission to walk down our streets? They really need a good talking to.