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Because cats and dogs are such different creatures, there are many different rules for them. You’ll note that cats are slightly more demanding and look at you in a totally different way. To a dog, you’re a master; the one they can’t wait to greet when they come home. They are completely, 100 percent devoted to you and making you happy. Cats? Well, to them you’re nothing more than the hired help; someone to ignore and outright disobey unless your wants and the cats happen to be the same. Keeping all that in mind, here is what the cats would like you to remember…

Just look at this face. You can't say no, can you? That's what we thought...

Just look at this face. You can’t say no, can you? That’s what we thought…

  • We are the true owners of the house we live in; we just let the people share it with us. Why not? We can be benevolent rulers from time to time. Why do you think the Egyptians liked us so much?
  • There can only be one dominant cat in any household.
  • Ignore those loud screeches and bumps you hear. The other cats of the house are just playing around. Don’t worry if you don’t see them for a while after the noise starts; they’re just resting up after a long game. Playing’s hard work, don’t ya know?
  • Please do not bring any animals into the house without the dominate cat’s approval. Establishing a hierarchy is hard work and a very delicate balance to maintain. Any new animal requires the dominate cat to spend hours training the new arrival so they understand how the house works. We really don’t like having to do it over and over again. Especially when said new arrivals are very young and stupid.
  • Catnip is one of the most glorious inventions you people ever came up with. Well, besides the muzzles for dogs. Those are really funny and provide lots of peace and quiet for us. Anyway, be sure to provide us with lots of catnip.
  • When you leave us for a large portion of the day- or who are we kidding? We don’t even notice you’re gone. Still, bringing us back a little previously mentioned cat nip are our preferred offerings. You can surprise us, though.
  • We hear people keep these things called fish as pets. Please do get as many as possible. Don’t be alarmed if any go missing; just go ahead and go back to wherever you got them and get some more. We’ll be sure to introduce them to the home properly.
  • It has also come to our attention that you people keep what is called “birds” as pets, too. When one comes into the house, it better know how to keep its mouth shut. Too many of those things speak and we can’t have them divulging any of our plans. Just stick to the fish instead. They’re much cheaper to replace when they disappear. Yeah, we don’t know how it happens either.
  • You humans have taken to using things you call “spray bottles” to discipline us. We are not amused by this and will do everything we can to disarm you as quickly as possible. Water should only be used in a bowl so we can drink. In a related note, attempting to bath us will have very dire and painful consequences. Consider yourselves warned.
  • For all the strange things you people do, you do have one good tradition; the thing you call Christmas. We love to explore those trees of yours and play with the decorations. Please be advised that you are not to interfere with this.
  • You think we’re being stupid when we run in front of your feet. Silly humans, we know exactly what we’re doing. We’re just demonstrating how powerful we really are. Make sure to take notes on this and think very carefully before taking any action that may annoy us.
  • Bring back those paper grocery bags you people used to have. We loved playing in those, they were so much fun! The plastic and fabric ones just aren’t the same. Do, however, continue with your use of boxes. They make nice little beds for us, especially when they’re smaller.
  • When your cat is sitting at his or her food bowl, immediately drop whatever you are doing and fill it to the top. We don’t care that it’s still half full; just do it anyway.
  • Besides feeding us, your main job is to make us purr. That is a sign of a happy and properly served cat.
  • Remember when we said not to bring any new animals into the house without our express approval? Well, the same goes for other humans as well. We will have to spend countless hours trying to break in this person and show them how we want to be treated. It’s a waste of our valuable sleeping time.
  • Finally, if we jump up on a chair or sofa you’re sitting in, you’re duty is to move as quickly as possible to allow us enough room to comfortably lay down for our many daily naps. If you choose not to move over for us, we’ll be forced to pad you until you have no choice but to move to avoid the pain. You’ve been warned.